He's Not an Eggplant
by baileytron
Summary: Set after season 2, major spoilers. Piper contemplates her role in Alex's life as Alex returning to Litchfield becomes a reality. M for language right now, but probably for smut later.
1. Chapter 1

_Cucumber mint. Sea fennel passionflower. Coconut almond. Blood orange vanilla. Honey buttermilk. Jasmine vanilla. Sandalwood lavender. Wait. Did I say sea fennel passionflower? Motherfucker, this was supposed to work. I knew it wouldn't work. This is ridiculous._

Piper Chapman took a deep breath of recycled prison air and wrung her clammy hands. She had gotten her old shrink's contact information from her mother the month prior and had finally made contact with Dr. Sil last week. His advice on dealing with her intermittent panic attacks had been exactly what anyone would recommend - "Find your 'happy place,' relax with deep breaths in said 'happy place' until your heartbeat slows, your nausea dissipates, etc etc what-the-fuck-ever." It just so happened that Piper's "happy place" lately had been memories of making bath products with Polly - specifically, testing new scents. Sandalwood had always been her favorite, but adding lavender had taken it to an unprecedented level. But it was fucking moronic to pretend to give a shit anymore about scents when all she could think about was Alex Vause's probation officer.

When Polly called to confirm that she had made contact and that a check in would be performed… Well. Every time Piper had imagined the moment - lying awake, gripped by fury, able to feel every dent in the metal surface of her bunk beneath her unsubstantial mattress - she had envisioned some glorious, "sweet revenge" type of situation. When in reality, she just panicked as she pictured Alex's life going up in flames once more. She knew she should feel vindicated - an eye for an eye, right? Except something crazy had happened. Those zen ways and thoughts she had fought so hard to achieve in her pre-prison life had snuck up and gripped her from out of nowhere - at the precise moment that they became irrelevant. The deed was done.

Alex would be returning to Litchfield. That much Piper was sure of. Or if not Litchfield, definitely prison. Prison somewhere. Thoughts weighted with emotion collided every thirty seconds in Piper's already crowded head. _This is my fault - she'll be back in prison in no time and it's my fault. Litchfield? Is it fucking awful that I want her to come back here? To me? What if they didn't find the gun? Will she know it was me? Of course she'll know it was me, what a dumb notion._

Piper forced her feet over the side of her bunk and collapsed with her head in her hands, elbows bracing the weight on her knees. Voices of her fellow inmates waking up around her hummed deep in her ears, like riding a commuter bus with a hangover. She had never been the type of person to just go through the motions, but since Thursday - *the* day - that had become her norm. Wake up. Shower. Eat. Work. Eat. Sit in front of the television. Re-read Gone Girl. Eat. Sleep. Lather rinse repeat. How long had it been?

She slipped into her shoes, opting to skip a shower for now, and rambled toward breakfast. Her mind registered Taystee yelling her name, but only barely, like a walkie-talkie picking up hints of a transmission just out of range. Still, her reflexes told her to slow down, and Taystee caught up to her. Once she was right next to Piper, she matched the pace and took a moment to catch her breath.

"Damn girl. Whew. I mean. WHOO. I been meaning to ask you if you got any snickers you lookin to trade. I don't have a lot, but I probly got somethin you wan- Shit! Chapman. Are you alive? Is this? Are you? Are you a fuckin zombie? Is this that zompocalypse I keep hearin about? The fuck is with you? You the one that stole Vee's shit? Dippin in now before she come back?"

Suddenly Piper's feet were dragging through pits of cold honey. She felt water stinging her eyes, but couldn't describe it as "tears," there was no emotion affiliated. Just emptiness and doubt. She pressed her palms into her knees, doubled over, waiting for something to happen. Vomit, crying, nuclear reaction. Nothing came, so she glanced up at Taystee -

"What… What day is it?"

"Aw fuck, see - I knew it. Of course it'd be some bourgeoisie fuckin white girl snatched Vee's horsey. Girl, we need to get you cleaned up before somebody takes special notice of you."

"No. It's not. That." Piper gulped through her nausea and stood up, taking a deep breath of sandalwood lavender. "I'm sorry. I'm really out of it. There's some… stuff happening on the outside, it's really taken a lot out of me. I'm not on anything, I don't know anything about any 'horsey,' and if I were a zombie, I wouldn't be speaking. I mean, obviously it depends on which folklore we're running with, I think the Haitian voodoo zombies maintained some measure of their former selves, but I'm not educated enough on the subject to aptly-"

"Good lord, I get it! Alright, alright. It's fuckin Sunday, you ain't got shit to worry about except if you gon eat your granola bar now or tonight when you readin that tired ass white girl novel."

Shit. Three days. It had felt like weeks. All Piper could feel was relief. Her day was sluggish until yard time. She pulled her jacket over her arms and onto her shoulders. She was acquiring a fondness for the heavy denim, despite the fact that it turned her into an amorphous, monochrome blob. She chuckled quietly as the word "dyke" sailed through her brain. After fifteen minutes of running, the jacket was just a hassle, and she chucked it off to the side of the track. The cool air was invigorating, her neck and upper chest hadn't been exposed to fresh air in months.

_Holy shit. This might be my church. Running fucking sucks, but being outside…_

She trailed off in her own head, allowed her inner monologue a respite, but felt utter comfort in the moment as she added another item to her "happy place" list.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note - I'm sorry the chapters are so short so far, this will be remedied. Thanks for the awesome feedback!**

"I'm stepping out for a moment to check the shed for some… um… lost shit. I'll be back in five minutes, anyone with a toe out of line will be in fucking shu before they know what hit them. Just… do your job." Luschek headed out the back door to the yard and Nichols nudged Piper with her elbow.

"Hey-uh… I dunno why she sent it to me, maybe figured you'd toss it or somethin, but here - I was told I will be paid handsomely for a timely delivery." She slipped Piper a note folded in half. After a deep breath, Piper opened it where she stood and read:

_**I know this was you. I don't know if you were trying to protect me, kill me, or get me locked up again, but I know you well enough to know that by now you hate yourself. Don't. I had this coming, obviously. They've got me in some weird processing place, but I'm coming back to Litchfield, and I'm glad. I must be a fucking masochist, but even on the outside all I did was miss you. I also fucking hate you, and have no idea where we stand, but that's to be expected. You know how I hate feeling feelings, but I want you to know that from here on out, all you're getting from me is honesty. I'm done playing the game with you. Clearly we will never be able to avoid each other, so we at least owe each other the truth. This is just a jumble of words on a page at this point, so I'll just sign off and say I'll see you soon, kid.**_

_**-Vause**_

Piper looked up to see Nichols staring at her, waiting for her reaction.

"Oh god."

Nichols clapped her hands together loudly, "Ha! Yes! That would be my response too. Jesus Chapman. You guys are fucked up. Like, I know lesbians have mad drama, but holy fuckin shit, you two take the fuckin cake! That's cold, gettin her locked up again."

"I didn't think it through. She's right, I regretted it the instant it became a reality, the second I realized what I had done I wanted to take it back. I was just so angry. After she fucked me over in Chicago, I wanted her to pay."

Nichols raised her hands and shook her head, "Hey, I don't care. She's my friend, if she forgives you, I don't got shit against you. But I do have an eye on you. Just sayin."

When work was over, Piper skipped dinner and headed straight to her bunk. She sat with her back against the wall, Gone Girl's tattered spine folded back to give the impression she was reading instead of wallowing. Alex's words rolled over in her mind.

_She misses me. She hates me. Obviously she hates me. I can deal with people hating me. But she misses me… Fuck, __am_ _I just desperate not to be alone? How are you supposed to tell? This conversation should definitely be happening outside of my head… probably with Dr. Sil. I miss her too. She's a cocky narcissist with questionable morals, but nobody makes me laugh like she does. Or come… Nope. Don't do that. Come the fuck on here, Piper._

Piper shook her head as though she could escape her own thoughts. She closed her eyes, slid down the wall, and rested her head on her pillow. She contemplated going to the dining hall just to be around people, and to think about literally *anything* else, but she was too far gone. Her fingers were already dancing just under the waistband of her pants. She pulled her blanket over her abdomen, and leaned into the fantasy.

2:34am on a Sunday morning in a rented apartment in Hampstead Heath, London

Piper slides her hand under Alex's shirt while Alex struggles with the keys to the flat, "Please hurry up, I think I hear your boobs calling my name." The key slides in, Alex pushes the door handle down, turns around, grabs Piper by the hips, kisses her fiercely, leans against the door to open it fully, and drags her blonde inside. Alex grips the backside of Piper's thighs and swiftly picks her up and leans into the wall with her. She reaches up under Piper's thin, flower-patterned summer dress, latches a finger under the band of her underwear and pulls them off as quickly as their intoxicated states will allow. Piper bucks her hips into Alex's body and tugs on her hair as the brunette's hand glides up her thigh-

"I… uh… came to return your book to you. I didn't know you'd be busy. Should I come back later?"

_Fucking fuck swaddled in a blanket of fuck._ Piper pulled her hand out, sat up, and tried really hard to look Poussey in the eyes.

"No. No, you're fine. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. Just… can you just put it on the table? Thanks."

She felt herself blushing hard, and left for the dining hall.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: I don't really have an editor tonight, but I wanted to get this up for the few followers it has so far. Thank you!

"Heyo. Look at you. Are you sulkin? Just cause Poussey caught you jerkin it?" When Nichols saw the look of consternation on Piper's face, she continued, "Don't worry about it, she told me so I could check on you, no one else knows."

"Oh god… It's been a long time since I've been that embarrassed. Well, thanks for coming by, but I'm fine."

"That's fuckin bullshit. You're not fine. It's okay to not be fine sometimes. That's why I brought this." Nichols drew a bottle of hooch out of her jacket. Piper's eyes widened. She hadn't had booze since her furlough.

"...For me?"

"You know what? I'm tired of your self-pity garbage. Yes, it's for you. For the two of us. Because I'm a fuckin person, and I understand what it means to need to blow off steam. You don't have to be in this alone, Chapman. You should really know that by now. Now let's set up some fuckin arts and crafts shit so it don't look like we're just gettin fucked up."

A half hour later, Piper and Nicky were posted up behind a tri-fold display board with magazine cut-outs, a la Morello's fantasy board.  
>"So where you from, Blondie? Connecticut?" Nichols poured the booze directly into her mouth and passed the bottle to Piper.<p>

"How did you know that?!"  
>Nichols chuckled, "Lucky guess… And Vause told me."<p>

"Yeah… Me being from Hartford really fit into Alex's image of me as a spoiled little bitch, I can see why it would be one of the first things she would disclose about me," remarked Piper, without a trace of bitterness.

"And what is your image of her?" Nichols inquired, one eyebrow raised.

"Narcissist thrill-seeker with commitment issues? Just… ya know… off the cuff." Piper leaned her head against her bunk and cocked it to her right to glance sideways at her newfound friend and smirk.

"Alrighty, what's the lamest joke you've ever heard?"

Piper took a moment to mull it over, "Hmm… How about… What did one ocean say to the other?"

Nichols pondered, "Nothing, they just waved." Piper raised her hand to her mouth and shook with silent giggles.

"Not the answer I was looking for - try again - what did one ocean say to the other?"

Nichols considered the question once more, "...Shhhhh." She made small wave motions with her arms and hands. Piper collapsed into another fit, and the effort of staying quiet brought tears to her eyes.

"N-n-no. Goddamn it that was good. You're amazing at that, holy shit. The answer I heard with the joke was, 'sea you later,' but I think I'll start saying the wave one instead."  
>"You'd better fuckin give me credit for that. It was one of my more genius moments. And I once crafted a bong out of a bottle of ketchup without losing any ketchup, so that's sayin a lot."<p>

From that, they deteriorated into two drunken fools swapping kindergarten jokes.

"Okay. Okay. Okay. Listen. One more. One more. What did the snail riding on a turtle say? 'WHEEEEEEE!'" For 45 seconds they dissolved into puddles of laughter on the cell's concrete floor, wiping away tears. Piper composed herself and took a long swig of hooch.

"...You fucked Alex, didn't you?" She felt entitled to ask, boosted by liquid courage. Nicky choked on her own gulp of booze, "Where the fuck is that coming from?"

"I just… I remember seeing you in her bunk, and I… I just kind of felt it, you know? I could feel that you guys had just gotten down. I know it's none of my business, and I know I have no right to ask, but I just have to know."

Nichols sighed. She should have seen this coming. At this point she was too drunk to deny the wasp-y blonde's request.

"Yeah. I fucked her. And just… don't say anything until I'm done, okay? Because there's shit you don't know, shit you didn't 'feel.' She was a wreck, ya know? You did a number on her. In a million years I'll never be able to explain it, but she adores you. After we were done - which, p.s. - involved no kissing or anything, I just got her off cause she looked like she could use an orgasm - she broke the fuck down. She fell onto my shoulder and started crying. Not even just crying, Chapman - that shit you do when cryin ain't enough. Just, sobbing and heavin and nasty, snot drippin, ugly cryin. Talked about you leaving her in Paris, how much she misses her mom, how much she misses you… It didn't mean what you think it meant. It was more about you than me."

Piper wasn't even trying to hold back tears by that point. She was drunk, and so fucking tired, and so fucking sad.

"Well aren't you guys a fuckin sight?" A deep and vaguely husky voice filled Chapman's cell and she looked up at perfect winged dark eyes lined by black glasses.


	4. Chapter 4

Piper handed the bottle off to Nichols and attempted to stand up quickly, which was quite the mistake.

"Oh no. Oh fuck. Oh no!" Had Piper been able to articulate it, she would have told Alex and Nichols that her left foot had fallen asleep, but as it was, all she could do was emit a stream of profanity. Nicky and Alex both were well on their way to hysterics when the guard approached Alex from behind.

"What the fuck are you doing out of bounds, Vause?" Piper braced herself against the wall in a desperate attempt to appear sober. The new guard, Koch, put his finger right in Alex's face, "I _said_, what the _fuck_ are you doing out of bounds, Vause? That's a shot. You've been in before, you already know the rules."

"A shot? I just wanted to make sure my friend was okay, the last time I saw her she was screaming at me and physically trying to break iron bars," Alex tried to maintain a calm demeanor, but after the huge disappointment that was her release, she didn't have much patience for power plays.

"That's it. You wanna talk back to COs? Let's make an example of you. Time for shu, let's go." Alex threw Nichols and Piper a look of despair as the CO slammed her right hand behind her back and led her out of the room.

The back of Piper's neck became hotter and hotter, until she swore her hair would catch fire, but instead she fell to her knees, grabbed her cube's trashcan, and spewed warm orange-pink hooch into it. Nicky knelt down next to her, rubbed her back, and whispered, "she'll be fine, she's a tough one. Don't worry about it, Piper." The surprise at hearing Nichols call her by her first name did a lot to calm Piper down. She vomited once more, spit the taste out of her mouth as well as she could, took a deep breath, and sat on her bed.

"These fucking guards… Jesus, Nicky. What are we going to do?"

"I don't know about you, but I'm gonna take my fuckin hits and keep my fuckin head down until I'm out. Not really any other options, are there?"

Nichols kept a close eye on her friend over the next week, but there was nothing she could do to stop the deterioration of Piper Chapman. She managed to get her to eat, and Piper always kept up with her personal hygiene, but her eyes were dead, and she was shit for conversation. Finally, exactly one week from Alex being taken to shu, Nichols and Morello cornered Piper at lunch.

"Listen up, blondie. We gotta talk to you." Piper made eye contact once with Nicky, and then continued spooning soup into her mouth, until Morello grabbed the spoon and held her hand.

"Chapman, what you're doin here, this isn't okay. I know how ya feel, but you have to snap out of it." Morello pleaded with Piper, stroking her hand.

"It's my fault. I can't… I can't bring myself to just act like nothing happened. Not when this is my fault."

"Look, we've had enough talks for me to know what kind of family you're from, Chapman. And even though my ma was different, we're from the same social and economic climate. You're overcompensating here. You're from a world where no one talks about shit - affairs? Those aren't real. Drugs? That shit's for poor people. And you're over it, you want to air all of the things. I applaud you for that, truly. But this is a place where talkin about things will get you into trouble. Actual trouble. Further trouble than you're in. And you can't help Alex where she is right now, you just can't. You need a distraction, something that will keep your mind on other things, and keep you mentally healthy - so that, when Vause gets outta that shithole, you can actually be there for her."

Piper looked into Nicky's fiery eyes, "That's… That's really compassionate of you, Nicky. I appreciate it. I think you're right. I need to find something to keep me occupied."

Morello tsked her approval and stood up from the table. She wrapped her tiny left hand around the back of Nicky's neck gently and kissed her temple, "I gotta get back to work, love, I'll see you tonight."

As Piper watched Morello dump the remnants of her tray into the trash, she couldn't help but voice her curiosity, "What happened there? I thought you guys were done?"

Nichols gave the table a sideways smirk and ran her fingers through her wild hair, "We were. She ditched me, and it pissed me off so goddamn much that I thought I'd never go between those sweet, sweet thighs again. But I dunno. After the Rosa incident, when she went to seg for two weeks… She came back and I just word-vomited all over her. Gushed about how she was the best thing in this place, and how even on the outside I'd want to treat her like a goddamn queen. Really shameful shit, to be honest. But she liked it. So I guess we're whatever now."

Piper smiled for the first time in days, "that's really lovely. I'm happy for you guys. Anything that makes this place more bearable."

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Look, I was thinkin about somethin to distract you… And I know you talked about teaching classes when you first got locked up here. They'll never approve something that needs money for books or materials, but your degree is in English, right? I was thinkin maybe you could do a creative writing thing... "

Nichols was ecstatic to see Piper's face light up, "That's fantastic! Yes, I could totally do that. All anyone would need would be pen and paper, and we have that laying around here now! This is… This is such a great idea, Nicky, thank you. This is perfect." And with that, Piper was up and out of the dining hall with an energy she hadn't displayed in a week.

"...That's why a creative writing course is perfect. It offers a mental vacation at little to no cost to Litchfield! Mr. Caputo, I really think this is a win-win, and it will look very impressive as one of your first acts as assistant warden."

Joe leaned back in his upgraded office chair and stroked his mustache, "You know Chapman… I think you're onto somethin. This could be good. I'm giving you the green light, but don't make me regret it. Keep this shit in line."

Piper leaned over his desk and shook his hand, "Thank you so much, Mr. Caputo, I will make sure everything runs smoothly. I promise this will be a good thing."


End file.
